I’m Sorry That I Loved Her First

An apology is usually followed by forgiveness. But they don’t always go hand in hand. Someone in need of an apology isn’t the same as someone in need of forgiveness.

Can you truly forgive someone if they simply apologize? Does that suddenly make everything alright again?

Back in college, my tight knit friend group had a falling out with one of our own. At first I was angry. Truly angry. Angry at the fact that our problems started from nothing and, as a result, our friendship turned into nothing. I’m not even sure if I wanted an apology. What I wanted more, at the very least, was an acknowledgement of what had happened between the 6 of us. And why it felt necessary to reject the people who had stood by you through so much. We were all hurt on different levels. Some of us cared more than the rest. Some of us didn’t care at all. But nonetheless, none of us ever got an apology. But even if we did, I’m not sure if our forgiveness would have been freely given. Or, more importantly, if it would have been freely received.

Sometimes when someone might be in need of an apology, it doesn’t mean that the other person is in need of your forgiveness.

Let it go. I just can’t forget about her. How do you know if you can really be sure? But I can’t move on. I’m sorry that I loved her first. She’s the only one. She’s the only one I want.