Tunnel Vision

There are times in my life when things get especially hard, when the weight of the world crushes down on my shoulders, back and chest. When it gets hard to swallow and the tears threaten to break forth. When the world outside is cold and unforgiving. Now, feels like one of those times. It’s a time when I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. When the tunnel is just a tunnel and the tunnel is never ending.

But, I find that surrounding myself with things that bring their own light to my life, then I at least have a flashlight to guide me within the tunnel. One that shines on the dark spaces and reveals them for what they really are. Simply cracked, grey concrete.

The idea to break through with force and with rage is appealing. But it’s not the only way. I’ve found that if I keep enough battery in the flashlight, if I keep feeding it with the little things that I love, I will eventually find my way out of this tunnel and into the sunshine. To feel the wind on my face or the spray of the sea.

Because I know it’s waiting for me to reach it and to tell me that this, too, shall pass, eventually. So I’m taking the steps to get there, one at a time, flashlight in hand.

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No Time At All

It’s been a while, I know.

But then again, a while is subjective, isn’t it?

The same goes for a minute.

Although it’s really just 60 seconds

Out of an infinite number of seconds

We say it when we feel like it’s been much longer.

But a minute is finite

Just like the days, months and years that pass us by

It’s just 60 seconds in 1 minute

60 minutes in an hour

24 hours in a day

7 days in an week

4 weeks in a month

12 months in a year

24/7/365

And yet…

The days grow longer

And the years become shorter

And the lifetime’s you had in the past

Are just a jumping off point for all the lives waiting in your future.

So, maybe it’s been a while

But maybe it’s really been no time at all.

Forever is Too Far Away

Writing prompt: In a different life, love would simply be enough. But this is the one life given. Write a story about life getting in the way. 

I thought I could do this forever. I wanted to. I thought nothing would have to change and we could just be us. But the moment we step out that door, we will no longer be us. We’ll be picked apart and judged. Ridiculed and mocked. And the sad  truth is only one of us will make it out alive. You’ll walk through the mist and come out the other side deemed a saint. The one who was naïve and let your emotions get the better of you. The one who was too trusting and who stuck to the inherent belief that there is good in everyone.

It will suddenly be about them. The preordained and all knowing, collective “them”.  They’ll love you. As they’ve always loved you. They’ll stand by you and protect you. Yes, they will talk about you but they won’t destroy you. They might question you, but that moment will be nothing but fleeting. Then they’ll pity you. They’ll say that I used you. That I didn’t truly care about you. That I blinded you to everything that I am. They’ll say that I took advantage of your kindness and your open heart. They will continue loving you, all the while condemning me.

The moment we step out that door, we can never be us. The “us” that stands together when times get tough. The “us” that knows the deepest and most shameful secrets. The “us” that whispers sweet nothings and dreams of a life outside these walls. The “us” that made this bed our home. Where these sheets became as familiar to me as your own skin. We’ll no longer be people. We’ll be turned into objects. But you, you’ll remain shiny and I’ll be made rusty. You’ll be put on a pedestal and I’ll be tossed aside. But only after such a thorough nitpicking that it feels more like a beating. I’ll be left bloody and you’ll be rendered whole.

I thought I could do this forever. I wanted “this” and “us” and “you” and “now”. I wanted the life that we dreamed about in the wee hours of the night. Of the forever we spoke of as the sun came up over the horizon. I wanted it to be my forever but forever feels too far away and that life isn’t one we’ve been granted.

I’m yours for as long as you need me. But know I will never be allowed to need you.

This One’s For You

I never expected to meet someone like you in this life. Sure, I imagined it,–but even then I could never have imagined anyone that would even come close to you–but I never expected it. I’ve come to not expect a lot of things. In fact, you can’t expect anything from anyone or of anything. If you do, you’re more likely to be disappointed. In the short time that we’ve known each other, you’ve never disappointed me. Instead, you continue to surprise me. We’re more alike then I ever could have guessed. I also never thought I would like that so much. You remind me of, well, me.

I have an outstanding amount of affection for you. An affection that was practically instantaneous and only keeps growing the more time we spend together. I can’t wait for the chance to discover everything that you are and I’m more than willing to give you that same chance. In a way, my growing fondness and appreciation for you has transferred over to the feelings I have for my own self. I still may like you more than I like myself, but the journey to self-appreciation is never ending. I’m getting there. Day by day. And I have you to thank for that.

“It is an absolute human certainty that no one can know his own beauty or perceive a sense of his own worth until it has been reflected back to him in the mirror of another loving, caring human being.”
― John Joseph PowellThe Secret of Staying in Love