The Reason

I create

I create to open doors and windows and minds.

I create to satiate the need inside of me.

I create…

I create in order to love, to discover, to climb.

I create to find a way through the darkness, to be reminded of the light.

I create a “me” that I see and a “me” that you see.

I’m creating me.

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If I Had a Heart…

If I had a heart I could love you

If I had a soul I could tame you

If I had a tongue I could speak of you

If I had a pulse, it would beat for you

If I had a mind I would think of you

If I had eyes I could see you

If I had a heart I could love you

 

Inspired by History’s VikingsTheme song by Fever Ray.

Forever is Too Far Away

Writing prompt: In a different life, love would simply be enough. But this is the one life given. Write a story about life getting in the way. 

I thought I could do this forever. I wanted to. I thought nothing would have to change and we could just be us. But the moment we step out that door, we will no longer be us. We’ll be picked apart and judged. Ridiculed and mocked. And the sad  truth is only one of us will make it out alive. You’ll walk through the mist and come out the other side deemed a saint. The one who was naïve and let your emotions get the better of you. The one who was too trusting and who stuck to the inherent belief that there is good in everyone.

It will suddenly be about them. The preordained and all knowing, collective “them”.  They’ll love you. As they’ve always loved you. They’ll stand by you and protect you. Yes, they will talk about you but they won’t destroy you. They might question you, but that moment will be nothing but fleeting. Then they’ll pity you. They’ll say that I used you. That I didn’t truly care about you. That I blinded you to everything that I am. They’ll say that I took advantage of your kindness and your open heart. They will continue loving you, all the while condemning me.

The moment we step out that door, we can never be us. The “us” that stands together when times get tough. The “us” that knows the deepest and most shameful secrets. The “us” that whispers sweet nothings and dreams of a life outside these walls. The “us” that made this bed our home. Where these sheets became as familiar to me as your own skin. We’ll no longer be people. We’ll be turned into objects. But you, you’ll remain shiny and I’ll be made rusty. You’ll be put on a pedestal and I’ll be tossed aside. But only after such a thorough nitpicking that it feels more like a beating. I’ll be left bloody and you’ll be rendered whole.

I thought I could do this forever. I wanted “this” and “us” and “you” and “now”. I wanted the life that we dreamed about in the wee hours of the night. Of the forever we spoke of as the sun came up over the horizon. I wanted it to be my forever but forever feels too far away and that life isn’t one we’ve been granted.

I’m yours for as long as you need me. But know I will never be allowed to need you.

An Open Letter to Bryan Fuller

I’ve been in a daze these last few days. I’m somewhere between complete serenity and a glass case of emotion.

All of which is because of you Bryan Fuller and your gut-wreching, tear-jerking, cringeworthy, nothing short of beautiful, masterpiece that is Hannibal.

I’ve come to find that most of my emotional experiences come from the books I’ve read. My imagination is given the ability to take the emotion to heart or leave it on the page. With television, you see the emotion right in front of you. That can either heighten your own emotions or it can lessen them. Words–and their ability to make us feel multiple emotions at once– tend to make me more emotional than the visual I usually see.

However, this wasn’t the case with the series finale of HannibalUnknown-1

The word spoken and their visual affect gave me one of the most visceral experiences I’ve had in a long time. I was thrown all around the emotional spectrum and I’ve just now found my way back. I experienced disgust, pain, self-realization (leading to self-actualization), fear, love and finally understanding. Understanding of the self, others, and the world around us.

The story of the Red Dragon brought out the broad range the human being (and thus its psyche) has the ability to go through. The realization of just how much a person is capable of when put in the right circumstances. Just how far you’re willing to push yourself or let yourself be pushed. How close you can come to the edge and the sudden realization that there isn’t always a way back. And finding acceptance in that inevitability.

Many of my emotions could have come from the basic knowledge that Hannibal is indeed over. Which I sure many of them did. After all, the final course has ended and the table has been cleared. But my cravings are far from subsiding.

When I first started watching Hannibal, my initial focus became about the gruesome and the grotesque. How disturbing what I was watching actually was. But that’s not what has stuck with me through these 3 short years. Instead, Bryan, you’ve given me characters that I can’t get out of my head. The relationships they acquire and develop as the series goes on is what kept me coming back for more.

Will Graham and Hannibal Lector. Two of the most real depictions of the vast range of humanity I’ve seen on tv in a long time. Their individual selves are complicated. But those complications are nothing short of human (whether morality and/or empathy is included in that depends on the individuals thought on what it means to be human). So human, in fact, that when asked to describe their relationship to someone who has never seen the show, I find it to be a massive feat. (Once I obviously stop gushing about the fact that they should immediately stop what they’re doing and watch it).

The Will-Hannibal relationship is at many times indescribable. They love each other and they hate each other. They mistrust their trust in each other. They understand what is commonly misunderstood about each other. They put up walls against each other and yet they are laid raw in front of the other. Their honestly comes in fragments but those truths come together in the end. Because the simple truth is, at the end of the day, they need each other. They need each other, like they need air to breathe. Like Will needs his dogs and Hannibal needs his cutlery. Will and Hannibal are two individuals who have managed the incredible feat of becoming one with another person on multiple levels.

Hannibal has taught me many things about the human condition in the most elegant, bloody and beautiful way possible. We all want to be needed. We all want to be understood. We all want to be accepted. Realizing you need someone isn’t necessarily a bad thing. If this needing leads to self-actualization in some way, maybe it’s the best thing for you.

UnknownBut please don’t misunderstand me Bryan, I have no naive misgivings about what’s really going on here. Will and Hannibal have time and time again destroyed each other. They relationship is nothing short of destructive. Hannibal is a murderer. He’s Hannibal the Cannibal. But Hannibal is also human. A human who has crossed over to the other side and doesn’t have a way back. Although I cannot say that he necessarily wants one. Will Graham is also human and has consistently struggled with his own becoming. As we all do, I suppose.

These men aren’t the role models to seek out. But they represent a struggle that we, as human beings, go through on a daily basis. Discovering an understanding about ourselves in and of itself is difficult. But learning to accept, question, and come to terms with the things we’ve done, what we’re doing, and what we will do is a whole different beast. But this can lead us to who we really are, after it all.

We all have our own journeys to take and Hannibal has taken me on a journey. A journey that I refuse to let end. Hannibal showed us human greatness and let us know that our capabilities are endless.

Thank you, Bryan and your brilliant and effervescent team, for giving me everything I didn’t know I needed. I will continue to savor every second of it.

I’m Scared

Admitting your fears is one of the toughest things you can do. Admitting it to the person you love? That’s a whole other beast entirely. Especially when your fear is concentrated within the very thing you call love…

I’m scared

To be on our own

When the thrill is gone

And I’m scared

Thinking what we’ve done

To try to love someone

Baby, can you keep your promise?

Baby, can I keep you honest

Cuz I’m scared. 

From the album “After it All” by Delta Rae

I Am We: An Ode to Sense8

Words

We use them to communicate

To connect to one another

To find a way to truly understand

Ourselves and our state of being

But what happens when

You no longer need words?

When you can feel

What they feel?

See what they see?

The spoken word is lost

And the inner thought takes over

You can no longer hide

Your pain

Your passion

Your love

They can feel it all

Hear it all

Experience it all

You exist as one

You truly

Passionately

Ardently connect

Their world opens up

Your own

And you are no longer just “you”

You are a “we”

A “we” whose voice

Will transcend everything

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An Ode to My Mad Fat Diary

In homage to season 3 of My Mad Fat Diary premiering Monday June 22nd, I thought I would write down everything I’ve learned from the past 2 seasons.MMFD2

This is one of the few shows that I’ve watched that has gotten through to the very core of my emotional soul. I have never laughed more, cried more, felt more or connected more with a show and its characters. It’s a show that gets me through the dark days and helps me to understand myself and to accept the full capacity I have to live the life I want to live.

For that, I have nothing but gratitude.

So here we go:

  1. Some people are holding on to life by their fingertips. If you’re given the chance to start over, take it. Grab it and don’t let go. It might just be the best thing  you ever do. It might just help you learn to breathe again.
  2. Don’t sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by. Happiness starts with you. If you want to have friends, get out there and make friends. If you want to enjoy yourself, go and enjoy yourself. Don’t let your own fears keep you from doing and having what you want.
  3. Don’t be afraid of your own reflection. Don’t fear what you see in the mirror. It’s okay to look at yourself and say: “Damn, it’s scary how good I look some days.”. It might take a while to believe what you’re saying but keep saying it. Confidence and self-love starts at home.
  4. Stop wishing that there was a Finn Nelson out there. The Finn Nelson that will accept you for you and like you just the way you are. The Finn Nelson that doesn’t care what other people think and wants what he wants simply because he wants it. Be that Finn Nelson instead. Once you learn to accept and love yourself just the way you are, the world will be overflowing with rays of Finn Nelson sunshine. And we’ll all be better for it.
  5. Winston Churchill said: “If you’re going through Hell, keep going”. We all struggle. Some struggle more than others. Some go through their entire lives with a pain in their hearts that even they might never fully understand. But no matter your level of pain, it is justified. Whether it’s your self-esteem or body image, or fear of rejection, your pain is your own. The key is to find a way to own it, learn from it and then move on from it.
  6. The past is your past. But it might not stay in the past. It might try and keep up with you every step of the way and follow you into the future. Don’t dismiss what happened in the past or try to forget about it. What’s been done to you and what you’ve done to yourself shapes who you are. But it doesn’t have to define you. You can still create the person you want to be.
  7. Don’t be afraid that you won’t find true happiness or beauty or love. You can find all of those things in the people you surround yourself with. Find your gang of people that make you laugh, hold you when you cry, listen to what you have to say, keep your secrets, love you for everything that you are and all you are not. These are the people that will help you find everything that you are looking for.
  8. Don’t worry. You will one day find your Finn. And your Chloe. And your Archie. And your Izzy and your Chop. And you will ultimately find your Rae.

Thank you My Mad Fat Diary for giving me everything I didn’t know I needed. Thank you for always being there.

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Moved to Tears.”

Today is All There Is

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Worldly Encounters.”

To the friendly, English-speaking extraterrestrial outside my house,

I recommend to you the novel that speaks to me inside and out. And that is The Perks of Being a Wallflower by Stephen Chbosky.

This story is human nature at its finest. At its most vulnerable. At its great achieve-ability. It not only shows what the world has the ability to be, but it shows us the world as it truly is. It’s dirtperkscollagey and hurtful and cruel and unfair. It’s fearful and explosive and continuously demeaning. But the world is also beautiful and kind and can help heal your soul. It’s accepting and meaningful and unbelievably strong willed.

Between the traumas and hardships and all the self-hating, there’s a hand at the end of the tunnel willing to show you your worth, your importance, your purpose and strength. Its friendship and family and self love and acceptance.

It speaks to everything a person may go through–heartbreak, loss, abuse, mental illness & pain. Love, encouragement, acceptance, understanding & learning–and still find the ability to continue on. To not let life pass you by, but to move along side it. To find strength in your tears and empowerment from the mistakes you’ve made.

To let the past be your past and let the future be that of myths. To remember that today is all there is.