I Want You to Be Happier…

Lately, I’ve been…I’ve been thinking I want you to be happier. I want you to be happier. 

Marshmello ft. Bastille

This song has been playing on repeat lately. And it’s because I want myself to be happier. Finding happiness isn’t always easy. And sometimes you don’t even realize how happy you were until it’s gone. 

Lately, I’ve found happiness evading me in certain aspects of my life and I’m working to get it back. It’s been incredibly hard. Some days are harder than others, but I have to remind myself that one day, I’ll find it. 

One day, happiness and I will be friends again. We’ve just drifted apart for a while. But we’ll find our way back to each other. 

*Disclaimer: This music video is incredibly sad.

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Deep Breath

It’s been a trying few weeksYouth
Few months is more like it
I’ve come to the conclusion
That sometimes
We have to do the things
We don’t want to
That’s just the way it is
And it’s harder than it seems
I’d like to say
It would be easy
Not to do things
And sometimes it is
Sometimes it is
But right now
It’s not
It’s hard
And the days feel long
And the weeks are taxing
But the day eventually ends
And a new one starts
And one of these days
Will be the start
Of everything

Tunnel Vision

There are times in my life when things get especially hard, when the weight of the world crushes down on my shoulders, back and chest. When it gets hard to swallow and the tears threaten to break forth. When the world outside is cold and unforgiving. Now, feels like one of those times. It’s a time when I can no longer see the light at the end of the tunnel. When the tunnel is just a tunnel and the tunnel is never ending.

But, I find that surrounding myself with things that bring their own light to my life, then I at least have a flashlight to guide me within the tunnel. One that shines on the dark spaces and reveals them for what they really are. Simply cracked, grey concrete.

The idea to break through with force and with rage is appealing. But it’s not the only way. I’ve found that if I keep enough battery in the flashlight, if I keep feeding it with the little things that I love, I will eventually find my way out of this tunnel and into the sunshine. To feel the wind on my face or the spray of the sea.

Because I know it’s waiting for me to reach it and to tell me that this, too, shall pass, eventually. So I’m taking the steps to get there, one at a time, flashlight in hand.

No Time At All

It’s been a while, I know.

But then again, a while is subjective, isn’t it?

The same goes for a minute.

Although it’s really just 60 seconds

Out of an infinite number of seconds

We say it when we feel like it’s been much longer.

But a minute is finite

Just like the days, months and years that pass us by

It’s just 60 seconds in 1 minute

60 minutes in an hour

24 hours in a day

7 days in an week

4 weeks in a month

12 months in a year

24/7/365

And yet…

The days grow longer

And the years become shorter

And the lifetime’s you had in the past

Are just a jumping off point for all the lives waiting in your future.

So, maybe it’s been a while

But maybe it’s really been no time at all.

Escape Into the World

Now feels like as good a time as any

To escape into the world

To explore the far reaches

That are anywhere but here

Where the required learning

Requires much unlearning

And instead, instead

Find a place that’s already been found

But has yet to be found by you

And you

And you

And you

And me

 

Day of Birth

On this day

Twenty-seven years ago

I was brought into this world

I assume I had a thoughtful picture

Of what my life would be like at 27

When I was 15 or 20 or even 25

I’m glad I can’t recall what that picture was

Because now

I can make this year anything I want it to be

This Too Shall Pass

Sometimes my brain feels like fire

Sometimes my brain turns to mush

Sometimes I feel like I’m drowning

Sometimes I feel like I’m hushed

Sometimes my mind turns to overdrive

Sometimes my mind, I can’t trust

Sometimes I feel like not talking

Sometimes I feel like a bust

But other times I feel like I’m healing

And those times I feel are a must

It’s in those times that I have to remember

That this all will just pass in a gust

 

#WorldMentalHealthDay

Love in the Time of Hannibal

*** when in doubt, aka writer’s block, write what you know. And what I know is Hannibal***

Of all the television that I’ve watched in my day, not a single show has stuck with me the way NBC’s Hannibal (2013) has. For those unfamiliar, Hannibal, based on the characters by Thomas Harris, tells the story of Hannibal Lecter, the renowned psychiatrist and his patient Will Graham, an FBI criminal profiler, who struggles with his ability to empathize with serial killers. However, this isn’t your typical “Hannibal the Cannibal” tale about a man who kills and eats people. In creator Bryan Fuller’s (American Gods, Pushing Daisies) world of Hannibal, it is so much more than that. For you may find, as time goes on, that it’s nearly impossible not to develop an ounce of affection for the one person who truly understand you, regardless of those sticky predilections.

This, instead, is a story of two men trying to make sense of a world in which they cannot redraw their hand. While one lives his life through the lens of pure ego and narcissism, the other lives his life, and is haunted by, the simple fact that his empathy overpowers him. Hannibal Lecter, the sociopath who has no empathy at all and Will Graham, the young profiler who has too much.

In the early episodes of Hannibal, the task is an uncomplicated one: to catch a killer. But in order to do so, we must bring in elements of the complicated. Will Graham (Hugh Dancy), on a good day, is anything but uncomplicated. As a young man who empathizes with serial killers, his job becomes a dangerous one. For fear of getting too close to the cases he’s been brought in to solve, Jack Crawford (Lawrence Fishburne), head of the FBI Behavioral Science Unit, sends Will to see Dr. Hannibal Lecter (Mads Mikkelson) with the hope that the good doctor can help ease Will’s stress and therefore help Jack get the job done.

And it works. For a time.

Will and Hannibal’s relationship is one that supersedes the most common notions of what it means to care for another person. Usually, when we have feelings for someone, platonic or otherwise, we find that their best interest also becomes our best interest. We want for them what they want. Happiness, success, joy, comfort, and above all, love. But what happens to a relationship when your deepest desires overpower theirs? And when you can’t help but feel as though they would be much better off doing as you do.

That’s when it happens. That’s when murder happens.

Dr. Hannibal Lecter is anything but ordinary. He’s suave. He’s charismatic. He’s charming. And he’s an exceptionally good cook. But underneath the expensive suits and grandiose language is an overwrought imagination. An imagination that extends far beyond the realm of decency and hope. To Hannibal Lecter, death, is the only significant thing life has to offer.

Hannibal is a man who feels very alone in his extracurricular activities. Yes, there are those out there who seek to emulate him, but there is no one quite like him. And it’s in this isolated state that Hannibal finds himself a tether in one Will Graham. Will’s overwhelming empathy and Hannibal’s lack thereof, makes Will the perfect candidate for sculpting. And sculpt Will Graham, he does. Into the very man Will has always been so terrified of becoming.

If we are to think about love in the time of Hannibal, one thing comes to mind: tolerance.

As the series goes on, the eventual discovery of Hannibal’s true nature comes to light. And it is a bloody discovery. However, the empathetic man that is Will Graham comes to terms with this truth in the only way he knows how.

He tolerates it. He doesn’t sympathize with it. He doesn’t feel compassion towards it. He tolerates it because he understands it. The urges, the impulses, the desires. He sees these inclinations as what truly makes Hannibal, Hannibal. And it’s through this understanding that Hannibal, for all his faults and misdeeds, finds himself enamored. Regardless of whether or not you agree that a sociopath, devoid of all conscience, even has a capacity for love, the show Hannibal reaches out through the dark and pulls you in, making you question everything you ever thought you knew on the subject.

And then twists it into something unrecognizable. And although most relationships are built on trust, in this case, simple truth will do. When you find you can be honest with someone, you find that you can show them your true self. And Hannibal finds that in Will Graham. And by the end of the series, Will Graham, not only sees Hannibal, he finally sees himself. His true nature and what Hannibal has always believed Will has been capable of. And it’s in this discovery of their true selves that they find comfort and solace in each other.

But if love is wont to destroy Hannibal Lecter, Hannibal will not go down without taking Will Graham with him. After all, the deeming of the term “Murder Husbands” does not go without merit.

But whether or not they survive this free fall is a story for another season.