Thoughts of the Day

The Mind is a Terrible Thing…

I have this thing with writing. It’s a love/hate thing. It’s a good/bad thing. It’s that thing where you sometimes would rather stick the pen in your eye then stick it to paper. It’s also that thing that puts the blood back in your body after you’ve already lost so much. It flows through the tubes and through your veins. It’s the restarting of your heart.

I have this thing with writing. It’s those dreams that come to you in the dead of night, jerking you awake, only to slip silently away. It’s the moment in the early morning where the words are all there is. Where they’re all you want them to be.

In my mind, every small popcorn kernel is deafening. Popping up when I want them and popping up when I don’t. Exploding when the lights are off and when the shower is running.

When I’m not writing I’m reminded of the things I want to forget and the things I don’t want to hear. And when I am writing, I’m reminded that the mind is a terrible thing…to waste.

 

Daily Post Challenges, Poetic Bends, Thoughts of the Day

11 Blocks…

We’re all on our own journeys. But sometimes when your mind won’t stop, you just need to take a minute and listen to someone else’s story…

11 blocks from my door to your doorstep

Three years later and it feels too close

Thoughts of the Day

An Ode to My Mad Fat Diary

In homage to season 3 of My Mad Fat Diary premiering Monday June 22nd, I thought I would write down everything I’ve learned from the past 2 seasons.MMFD2

This is one of the few shows that I’ve watched that has gotten through to the very core of my emotional soul. I have never laughed more, cried more, felt more or connected more with a show and its characters. It’s a show that gets me through the dark days and helps me to understand myself and to accept the full capacity I have to live the life I want to live.

For that, I have nothing but gratitude.

So here we go:

  1. Some people are holding on to life by their fingertips. If you’re given the chance to start over, take it. Grab it and don’t let go. It might just be the best thing  you ever do. It might just help you learn to breathe again.
  2. Don’t sit on the sidelines and let life pass you by. Happiness starts with you. If you want to have friends, get out there and make friends. If you want to enjoy yourself, go and enjoy yourself. Don’t let your own fears keep you from doing and having what you want.
  3. Don’t be afraid of your own reflection. Don’t fear what you see in the mirror. It’s okay to look at yourself and say: “Damn, it’s scary how good I look some days.”. It might take a while to believe what you’re saying but keep saying it. Confidence and self-love starts at home.
  4. Stop wishing that there was a Finn Nelson out there. The Finn Nelson that will accept you for you and like you just the way you are. The Finn Nelson that doesn’t care what other people think and wants what he wants simply because he wants it. Be that Finn Nelson instead. Once you learn to accept and love yourself just the way you are, the world will be overflowing with rays of Finn Nelson sunshine. And we’ll all be better for it.
  5. Winston Churchill said: “If you’re going through Hell, keep going”. We all struggle. Some struggle more than others. Some go through their entire lives with a pain in their hearts that even they might never fully understand. But no matter your level of pain, it is justified. Whether it’s your self-esteem or body image, or fear of rejection, your pain is your own. The key is to find a way to own it, learn from it and then move on from it.
  6. The past is your past. But it might not stay in the past. It might try and keep up with you every step of the way and follow you into the future. Don’t dismiss what happened in the past or try to forget about it. What’s been done to you and what you’ve done to yourself shapes who you are. But it doesn’t have to define you. You can still create the person you want to be.
  7. Don’t be afraid that you won’t find true happiness or beauty or love. You can find all of those things in the people you surround yourself with. Find your gang of people that make you laugh, hold you when you cry, listen to what you have to say, keep your secrets, love you for everything that you are and all you are not. These are the people that will help you find everything that you are looking for.
  8. Don’t worry. You will one day find your Finn. And your Chloe. And your Archie. And your Izzy and your Chop. And you will ultimately find your Rae.

Thank you My Mad Fat Diary for giving me everything I didn’t know I needed. Thank you for always being there.

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In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Moved to Tears.”

Daily Post Challenges, Story Time

Reminisce With Me

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “Weaving the Threads.”

Shay wasn’t the sentimental type. Wasn’t one for keeping things for years in shoe boxes collecting dust in the closet. Wasn’t keen on writing things down to remember for years to come. As someone who was very familiar with disappointment, there was never quite a good enough reason to want to keep the outside world fresh in mind. But when coming across an abandoned bookmark outside of a beloved bookshop, things changed. Covered in tiny uni-bomber hand writing, quotes spilled over the edges of the bookmark. Quotes from pages taken from well-known artist and authors, this bookmark gave Shay a new lease on life. Setting a reminder for the reasons why this bookshop was constantly visited. Why there was never enough space on the shelves in the bedroom or living room. Why a backpack or bag was never complete without pages full of laughter, tears, long sought dreams and unbearable heartache. It represented the moment when Shay not only wanted to remember the place inside a book, to remember the world recently jumped out of, but instead to remember every single thing, inside and out.

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We shared a lot of things, you and I. We shared clothes and boyfriends and grudges. We shared heartache and happiness and complete utter breakdowns. We shared tissues stained with tears and boxes bought from Girl Scouts. We shared a hard day’s night and sleeping like logs. We were each other’s shrink and each other’s crying shoulder. We were each other’s best friend and each other’s worst enemy. We trusted each other’s flakiness and begrudged each other’s punctuality. This world through your eyes, was the world through mine. Your feeling of the earth, the sky, the grandeur, were also my feelings. We shared the light bright corners and the deep dark crevices. We shared a childhood, you and I. We shared pigtails and food experiments. Scrapped knees and chalk stained clothes. We shared a world on the horizon and infinite possibilities. But there’s one thing that we can no longer share.

The shadowed memory of your heart beating in unison with mine.

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You came to me in a dream. A dream of madness and magic and sinful bliss. The light emanating from your body eclipsing all around you and casting it in darkness. I wondered what your presence meant, following me, leading me through this dream space. The spectacle of you was almost too much to bare. I imagined what you would be like in the real world. If you could even exist outside of this wandering plane. If space and time could have only conjured you up. You spoke to me with a roaring voice. One of peace, brightness and understanding. My mind wandered far away. Not wanting to have to truly accept your greatness. Coming towards you, I found that I could only reach so far. You hovered above me, glowing in the light of the skies shooting upward. The ground beneath my feet falling out from under me. You lifted me up and I stood beside you. I feared the falling and ending of this dream. You spoke to me not of endings but beginnings. And when I opened my eyes and the real world once again revealed itself, I realized that you would soon become nothing but a distant memory.

Daily Post Challenges

New York, I Love You

In response to The Daily Post’s writing prompt: “We Built This City.”

I’d been enchanted by the idea of New York long before I moved here. In fact, I never thought I would actually live here. On my own. In any city other than Madison, WI. I never thought I would be this far away from my family and friends. I never thought I would have a “back home” because I never thought I would leave home.

But I’ve found that after moving here, I’m in love with having two homes. With building new families and friends alike. This city is one for the ages. One that I plan on spending my life with. And although I had never had this idea in my head when I was younger, I’m happy to be on the path that I am.

New York has given me things I never thought would be possible. I have much more access then I ever did back home. I can go to the theater, movie premieres, raved about restaurants and spot celebrities alike. I can find my way around without having to rely on others. I can do what I want, when I want.

This city has given me an independence and a confidence that I didn’t have before. I know that I belong here. Walking past beautiful parks and sky scrnew-york-cityaping buildings. Past cute little coffee shops and to die for bakeries.

And although there is plenty that I’m not fond of about this city, I find it easy to let those things fall to the way side. I find it’s much easier to just enjoy the beautiful day when it comes around.

Thoughts of the Day

Happily Unhappy

Unhappiness. I’ve found that it’s the one word that many people don’t wish to admit about themselves. And yet it’s something that we’ve all experienced or are currently experiencing.

While reading comedian Nick Kroll’s interview with Buzzfeed News, the discussion turns toward the idea of obtaining success in the comedy world if you’re not someone who has had to struggle for money or comfort.

…the reality is that just about everyone is quietly unhappy” – Nick Kroll

He responds with something that I found to be very thought provoking. He says: “I mean, look, we all suffer in our own way; like, life is miserable. And I’m not, ‘Oh, I’m a stand-up who’s sad,’ but the reality is that just about everyone is quietly unhappy. I don’t think that pertains to comedians specifically. I think most people look at themselves in the mirror and are not happy with what they see.”

I think about the concept of happiness quite a lot. And whether or not I am actually, in fact, happy. I have a wonderful family, a supportive friend group, a job in my chosen field, an apartment, I’m able to put food on the table and I have access to many things that give my life meaning.

But does this mean that I’m happy? Sometimes I’m not really sure. I think it’s safe to say that I live a good life. I recognize that I’ve been dealt a good hand. But like Kroll said, we all still struggle. I still struggle. I still have days when things are just going terribly and it feels like things won’t get better. And then there are days when everything and everyone is a welcomed sight.

imagesLife is honestly lived day by day. You could be having a great Monday because the sun is shining and it’s no longer freezing temperatures. But then same day could completely change because you have a terrible commute on the Subway ride home.

Unhappiness isn’t something we can escape. It’s always right there. It’s sitting next to happiness on the front porch of your life. They coincide with each other. You can’t have one without the other. You can’t know what happiness is until you know what unhappiness is. And vice versa.

I’ve been told that it’s good to have things to look forward to in life. That these things are what can make us happy when they eventually roll around. But what happens until then? What do we do in the meantime? What keeps us going each and every day? I think the answer is different for every person. Happiness isn’t a fixed point and we’re not on a straight line towards it. It can be gone in an instant and it could just be down the road or around the next corner.

Maybe the truth is, is that we’re all just severely happily unhappy.