She’s Come Undone: Fifty Shades of Disappointment

WARNING: Excessive Language and Sexual Situations

So those of you who have thought about, dreamed about, actually read, or only read the sex scenes of Fifty Shades of Grey know that not only has this book surpassed J.K. Rowling’s record in sales (which is appalling to me as a devoted Potterhead) but it has also thrown everyone into a tizzy about who is going to play the infamous Christian Grey to Dakota Johnson’s Anastasia Steele.

Now, first off, I did not read this book and I don’t plan on it reading it. The reason not being that I’m a prude or that I didn’t want to jump on the band wagon. I just wasn’t interested in it. I was admittedly intrigued when it first came out and so I did what any woman in her 20’s would do (I was going to say sexual prime but that sounded gross), I read the sex scenes.

And let me just tell you, holy hell. What the fuck is wrong with E.L James? I have no fucking idea. She obviously has a really weird relationship with the Twilight Series because it was rumored that those books are what gave her the idea for Fifty Shades. She clearly didn’t get her fix from reading about Edward and Bella only starring into each other eyes every other moment and being afraid to even kiss each other. That being said, I don’t know why anyone would want to do the things that Anastasia was willing to do or signed that fucking contract for. Seriously, that was fucked up. I can’t even handle thinking about it right now. It’s horrifying and I can’t imagine seeing that shit on screen. I honestly don’t know how any of this can actually be shown on screen. I mean is our society up for watching amateur porn together in a large movie theater with people you know and don’t know on either side of you? I certainly am not.

But this post was initially supposed to be a rant about who is going to be playing Christian Grey. But I obviously have a lot to say about this topic and now back to my original point. It was rumored a few weeks ago that Charlie Hunnam, known for his character of Jax Teller on the FX show Sons of Anarchy (which btw, is an amazing show and you should all watch it if you’re even remotely interested in gun-running motorcycle clubs). And let me tell you, I had a bitch fit when I heard this. Charlie Hunnam is a glorious specimen who has an incredible talent of being this rugged bad ass while at the same time having the sweetest fucking face on earth that you could never be mad at. And don’t get me wrong, if the situation ever came up I would not be opposed to ripping that man’s clothes off in a feverish manner. However, I would not want to see him on the big screen doing really fucked up S & M shit with some chick. Not that I’m going to see the movie of course, but that’s besides the point. So I was really really happy to hear that his Sons gig came in conflict with the shooting schedule of the movie and he had to back out.

So there I was, a very happy duck swimming around in a pond of other ducks who aren’t into erotic literature until this morning when I wished to dunk my little billed head into the water and never come back up. I was on facebook this morning, as I always am when other things aren’t taking over my life, and I saw that they have once again found their new Christian Grey. Proceed to have a bitch fit. Jamie Dornan is, as of this moment in time, Christian Grey. Many of you may know him from season 1 of Once Upon a Time (OUAT) as Sheriff Graham/ The Huntsman. Now the reason for my new bitch fit? I, of course, watch OUAT and I loved his character of Graham and so I am of course very upset about this fact. Like with Hunnam, I don’t want to see this glorious specimen doing weird domineering S & M shit with some chick. Again, not that I’ll see the movie. I just can’t…I just can’t handle this. I have no idea why anyone would willingly play these characters.

You might be wondering why I am not commenting on the fact that Dakota Johnson is also a part of this project and I will address that right now. My biggest problem about this book turned movie is the fact that there are so many, oh so many, reasons as a woman to be angry about this. From my brief reading of the sex scenes, there is nothing but submission from Anastasia and again as a woman and as a feminist I am not okay with this. I have no problem with this character being open about her sexuality. All power to her. She can have all the sex she wants and with whomever she wants. That’s not anything to be upset about. What I’m upset about is the fact that she signed a damn contract to basically let this guy do anything he pleases to her. And this isn’t an issue of consent, clearly. I just don’t like the fact that she is willingly the submissive participant on this front. Now many of you may be upset about the fact that I’m ranting about this when I didn’t actually read the whole book and that “there is so much more to Christian Grey than you actually realize”. That’s fine and that’s a valid point. My rant is not about his character it’s about the way women are portrayed in this book. I just don’t approve.

Oh and as a writer and avid reader don’t even get me started on how terrible the writing is. But that’s a story for another day.


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